Monday, December 28, 2009

Are you upset?

Do you ever wonder about getting upset? Irritated? I do.

I find when working with clients and in my own life, it all comes back to what we might expect. My spouse has been gone for two months. I expected that he would be home for a while after being gone. Apparently, that was not to be.

Now does the picture make sense?

Anthony has gone off to fly air ambulance service in a tiny silver mining town in Nevada. He is going to be on call for a week there, then will likely be flying down to Mexico for another week. He was home for just 4 days.

We will miss being together New Years. Again. He will likely be busy during my birthday because his 135 check ride will be the day after it.

And he wonders why I am not excited for him to be flying. He is still an unpaid intern. He can't get a green card and I continue to support him. It has now been over three years. Does the picture make more sense?

I try very hard to be positive, upbeat and optimistic. I strive to find the silver lining in nearly all things. I admit, today I feel a bit frayed. The lining is harder to discern, if I can see it at all. I wonder how much longer I have to continue to make the best of things. I find the dream ever more distant. I find the desire to even build expectations failing.

If I was my own client, I would be forced to point out some deeper questions. When do our family needs come first? At what point can we feel less burdened? So yes, I am upset. I am upset he is gone again. I am upset I had some expectations. I am upset I can't seem to see that silver lining. Unfortunately, I find myself becoming tired and simply indifferent, and that is the most frightening of all.

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